Tales from Middle Earth

Does size really matter? This question I asked the man pushing the freshly shucked oyster towards me. He was blunt with his response, “These are the best oysters you’ll ever try. Forget the ones from Bluff, these are the best.” As a relative ignoramus in terms of Bi Valve delicacies, I really had no idea what I was looking for as I broke my New Zealand Oyster virginity.

The first thing I noticed was the size. I had only ever seen Oysters on a buffet in Hong Kong several years prior. At this moment, those Oysters looked like some sort of undernourished distant cousin. This was the single largest oyster I had ever laid eyes upon, I felt that I should be attacking it with a knife and fork, not simply knocking it back as is traditionally suggested – I could choke on this. I started……… and then stopped asking the tattooed Maori in front of me if he was familiar with the work of Dr. Heimlich. Despite my concerns I slid the huge specimen down. Having chewed and swallowed, I was instantly converted. This was the most delicious, invigorating product I had ever let pass my lips: the apotheosis of refreshment. The iced pint of Coca – Cola, served with a thick wedge of lemon, enjoyed on a blisteringly hot day in Bournemouth had lost its’ crown. Finally an untainted natural product had overtaken the best that the world of synthesised, sugary drinks could offer in terms of refreshment. – This road side shack between Paihia and Auckland had just taken on a monumental significance. I felt like laying flowers.

The source of the finest oysters available will forever be debated. The New Zealanders believe it to be their Bluff Oyster, The Australians, their Rock Oysters, if the Belgians (noted as being the largest consumer of oysters per capita) are to be believed then the title falls to our very own Native Colchester Oyster. None of this concerns me, as I believe, as with almost every example of food, it is down to personal preference. One mans oyster is another mans cold porridge. I simply wanted to consume as many of these mouthfuls of bliss as I could. I would obviously find a type of oyster I preferred, but I could never see myself refusing one on the grounds of its’ postal address.

There is then the question of what to do with your oyster once it is in your hands. For me a freshly shucked oyster, dressed lightly with lemon juice, slid from shell to mouth, chewed, passed through the gullet, and finally into the stomach is undoubtedly the best method of consumption. If a living organism is to be put to death in possibly the most gruesome fashion i.e. swallowed alive, then it is necessary to pay it the respect it deserves. This is why you must be fully involved when eating an oyster. It is not just the flavour that needs to be considered, but the texture must also be savoured.

The best oysters are those that, not only taste like freshness itself, but also feel like refrigerated creamy silk, flowing through the mouth appeasing all sensory feelers, sending a message of satisfaction via the Mandibular nerve to the brain, where a party ensues. This is the aphrodisiac that has become a cliché. It is not in the chemical make up, there are no reactions going on, it is simply the luxuriant texture that reminds you of everything indulgent. It evokes feelings of decadent pleasure. – This is the power of the Oyster Au Naturel.

When it comes to the Kiwis’ preparation ideas, they seemed to have lost the plot slightly. One can hardly blame them, they have so many. They’re done with the raw thing; they’re too macho to gush over the merits of a fresh oyster. I understand this now, but imagine my surprise when I spotted my first battered and deep fried oyster, sold at the local fish and chip shop. I had heard of cooked Oyster dishes such as Rockefeller and Kilpatrick before leaving, and have since tried both, (Although an interesting change, I do not think either method adds much), but never had I heard of battered, deep fried oysters. I was horrified. Did people know this practise was going on? What is the number for the foodie police? This was an emergency, I needed Ramsey, Oliver, Slater, and Blumenthal to abseil in and right this wrong. Surely this could not be tolerated. But it is. Not only do they batter oysters, they also desecrate the beatific scallop and the huge Green Lips. There are simply too many of them.

I don’t think Oysters Au Naturel will ever be topped, but the recipe below is easy, delicious, and extremely quick – perfect for the van. The Oysters we used were collected from a work site one of my friends was working on: As the tide receded from the private jetty attached to the semi-built house it revealed clumps of small, mud covered oysters. The site, located on the Russell side of Opua Harbour will now almost definitely be inaccessible, with the house, I’m sure completed, and occupied by a wealthy inhabitant, who will not take kindly to scavenging travellers. This site may be gone, but Oysters are prolific in this area. The further they are into the sea the cleaner they will be. Watch out for those located near boat jetties, they will be full of Diesel.

I found myself cooking this dish on the back of a 50ft yacht. It belonged to a South African I had met, Neil. His was a fascinating story: Having left South Africa with 3 friends when he was 18, he now found himself at the age of 20 in New Zealand. He had sailed via Brazil, through the Panama Canal, and then down through Fiji and Tonga, an incredible voyage. The yacht was not his, but had been bought by his father during the most volatile period of Apartheid. His fathers’ thinking being that if the shit hit the fan for his white family, they could load both family and belongings on to the boat and sail off to safety. As it happened Terreblanche was muted, and Mandela walked free. This left the yacht available for Neil and his buddies to tour the World – a trip I am certain they are still on.

It must be said that I spent a lot of time with Neil, Mr. T, Seth, and Chris. They were true travellers, escapees from taxes, and laws, 100% mobile to travel where they pleased. My favourite memory of Neil was when he dropped his kite, whilst Kite Surfing in the middle of The Bay, only to be picked up by a tourist packed jet boat.

Anyhow it was on the back of his boat where we hung the oysters through a tide change to clean them, and it was on the back of this boat where we cooked them.

It was such a nice feeling as we were picked up by the boys in their launch, coasting across the beautiful sun kissed Opua Harbour. It was times like these when I was reminded of my reason for leaving England for New Zealand. I was on a working holiday, and I did work a lot, often two jobs. But this feeling of freedom, and adventure appeased any frustrations built up during the working week. This is the opposite of how it feels in this country, where we are too unimaginative when it comes to enjoyment. Our children are numbe
d by television, and computer games, whilst our adults are retarded by alcohol. The get up and go spirit seems to have been forgotten. Our government seems too wrapped up in bureaucratic White Elephants to constructively deal with social problems. This is the joy of a democratically governed population of over 50 million. Trying to please everyone all of the time does not work, so instead we all live in this constant state of mediocrity. Where are the Neil’s of this country? Why can’t we be rash and irresponsible?

With these thoughts in your mind, be irresponsible and have oysters for breakfast. The following is based on one person eating. Poached eggs can be a pain, so leave it out if it causes problems. In my case, I was using a barbecue, so was able to fit a pan and a frying pan on the grill over the coals.

Poached oysters with Tarragon foam and pickled cucumber spaghetti – serves 2

Method

Mix together the rice wine vinegar, water, caster sugar and salt. Place the cucumber strips into the mixture. Leave to sit for about 10mins. Drain and reserve until needed.

Heat the juice from the oysters in a pan. Add a little water until there is enough liquid to poach the oysters. Bring the liquid up to the boil. Add the oysters and immediately turn off the heat.

The oysters will plump up almost immediately. Carefully remove the oysters on to kitchen roll. Reserve.

Place the shells into a pan of boiling water. Add the shells to the water and boil for about 5min before draining and refreshing. Scrape any of the excess dirt and flesh from the shells. Reserve.

Heat the butter over a medium heat until bubbling. Add the shallots and fry for 2-3mins until softened, but not coloured. Add the tarragon stalks and increase the heat.

Add both the fish stock and the chicken stock at the same time. Reduce over a high heat until halved in quantity. Add the cream and reduce by half again. Pass the sauce through a fine sieve into a clean pan. Using a hand blender positioned near the surface of the sauce froth the cream mixture.

Heat the oil in a small pan over a high heat. When hot (can be tested with a bit of bread. When dipped it should begin to bubble and fry) add one tarragon leaf for each oyster to be served. Fry for about 2mins until crisp. Drain on to kitchen roll and reserve till serving.

To serve

place a small, neat pile of cucumber spaghetti into the base of the shell. Top with the plump, poached oyster. Carefully spoon over some of the froth and top with the deep fried tarragon leaves.

Opua Oyster breakfast – serves 4

Ingredients
4tbsp olive oil
1tbsp white wine vinegar
Squeeze of lemon juice
1tsp Dijon mustard
3 x Baby gem lettuces, leaves separated and washed
Handful of washed rocket
Handful of washed watercress
2tsbp vegetable oil
4 x rashers of smoked, streaky bacon, sliced into 1cm strips
16 x oysters, removed from their shell
4 x toasted slices of chunky bread
4 x poached eggs

Method
Thoroughly mix together the olive oil, white wine vinegar, lemon juice and Dijon mustard until an emulsion is formed.

Toss together the separated baby gem lettuce leaves, rocket and watercress. Add a couple of tablespoons of the dressing and toss again to lightly coat. Place to one side whilst preparing the bacon and oysters.

Heat the vegetable oil over a medium heat. Add the bacon slices and fry whilst regularly stirring until golden and crisp. Increase the heat to maximum.

Add the shucked oysters. They will cook almost instantly. Fry for about 1min turning once. Remove the fried bacon and oyster mix on to kitchen roll to drain excess fat.

Mix together the cooked components with the dressed lettuce leaves. Divide the mixture between the 4 slices of toasted bread. Position the poached eggs atop of the mixture and finish with an extra drizzle of dressing